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Archive for June, 2008

Why, Oh Why?

Why, oh why is Jay Leno, the host of a “popular” late night comedy night show airing public home videos of animals? Is there still a writers’ strike going on? It’d be slightly more funny if the videos were less than 2 years old and not already seen millions of times by just about everybody.

Come on, man. You’ve turned into Bob Saget, just not near as cool or funny.

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At one of my stops at work there’s a security guard who I see and chat with everyday. We’ve talked about a lot of things in the few minutes I spend there each afternoon, from the heat and how we always wish it was Friday to how he forgot to call his mom on her birthday. He knows I play guitar and he recently bought a new one so we’ve had a few conversations about that. He even brought it to work with him once to show it off.

Yesterday, he was on guard with a second security guard and as I was loading up my truck with packages to leave the building he looked to me for a third opinion to their ongoing discussion.

“Hey, Thomas. Who do you think is better: Jimi Hendrix or Carlos Santana?”

I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face, which quickly turned into my attempt at hiding my smile.

I mean, it’s obvious, right?

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I know there are many out there who hear a joke or watch something on TV and wonder to themselves, “Hmm… was that funny? I think I was supposed to laugh but…” Well, wonder no more. I am here to provide for you clear examples of what is and is not funny. May these lessons guide you to a better life and a more fulfilling sense of humor. Like mine.

NOT FUNNY:

——————————————————————————————————————

FUNNY:

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For me, there’s nothing like driving home from work with the windows down blasting Patty Griffin. Tonight, I enjoyed selections from her Flaming Red album. So good. So very good.

That is all.

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So Close.

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Did You Know?

Did you know that 52% of people judge you based on the car you drive? Fascinating, no? I’m intrigued.

But Josh, how do you know such useless information? I’m fascinated!

I know that people see you in your champagne-colored 1998 Toyota Camry with missing front-driver’s-side hubcap and bubbling tint and think to themselves, “Wow. Nice car. He must be doing well for himself.” I know this because I learned it on the radio this morning.

Wow, I didn’t know the radio could be so educational! You must have been listening to NPR or something, right?

No, actually, I was listening to 104.1 KRBE, the local Top 40 station. You see, I was playing a game on the air in an attempt to win some concert tickets.

How exciting and still educational!

Umm… yeah. Well, the game went like this: Two callers/contestants are paired with a DJ. A third DJ asks each DJ a multiple-choice question and the caller/contestant has to either agree or disagree with the answer their DJ gives.

I don’t think I follow…

Shut up. I was contestant #2 and things were going well so far. We were tied 2-2 going into the third round. Contestant #1 got her question correct which brought the score to 3-2. It was then my turn.

I don’t know if I can handle the suspense.

Again, shut up. My DJ’s third question was “52% of people judge you based on this: a.) your religious beliefs b.) your political views or c.) your car.
My DJ answered with “c.) your car” to which I sat and thought about it and then disagreed with him.

You didn’t.

I did.

I’m sorry.

So am I.

But it was just silly concert tickets, right? Nothing worthwhile. I mean, whose show are you missing? Ne-Yo? 3 Doors Down?

Coldplay.

Oh.

Yeah.

Man.

Tickets aren’t even on sale yet. Lost, 3-2. All because people are superficial and judge you based on your lousy Explorer that consumes way too much gas and which is essentially a polluting machine so I bet you don’t even care about the environment and you’re probably going to throw away your vote by writing in Mitt Romney on your ballot in November because you just don’t care, do you? Jerk.

How did you know?!

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